I'm claiming this pregnancy!

I'm officially 14 weeks and in the 2nd trimester. YASSSSSS! To say that the last 3 months have been terrifying is an understatement. A little back story. I experienced loss at 9 weeks with my first pregnancy last October and I didn't realize how much I wanted to be a mom until it wasn't anymore. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified! I felt like I had run out of time on everything and thought all that I was and what I was building would become a distant story that I would just share with said child down the road like, "mommy use to do videos and blog" or "mommy use to be fly." And although I see moms out there killing it on social looking like they have it all together, we all know it's just curated feels. 

I had complications during my miscarriage and was put on bed rest and during that time I unplugged. I did absolutely nothing and just vegged out on the couch and actually watched movies in it's entirety without a computer on my lap and my phone in my hand. I took naps. I didn't answer calls or emails. I just took time to wrap my mind around what was happening, how I was feeling and what I wanted. I shared those feelings and times here and here. During that time my fiance, Taye, and I decided that we wanted to start our family so once I was ok we would try and see but no pressure.   

ps. If you ever want the gross details that no one really really tells you about during a miscarriage, let me know. I'll hold off on this post but there is some good in sharing so it's not such a scary and lonely experience. 

So fast forward to this baby.  I was headed to Cancun for the Myliek Retreat and I was feeling weird that entire week so I took a test the day before I left. I got 1 line - not pregnant. I felt kinda let down and just knew it was me and that I couldn't have kids so this trip was right on time because i'm about to throw back all the drinks. I threw the test away. Next morning, i'm still feeling weird and something told me to get the test out the trash and there it was. The second super faint line. Ya girl was pregnant! I'll just have a water, thanks.

I think I was excited for a quick second but since experiencing loss, it tarnished that magical blissful feeling that most moms feel when they first find out they're expecting. So this time around I wasn't excited; I was fearful and detached - just in case. Every ache, ping, flutter or dissipation of a sensation I couldn't help but think, "here we go again." I even packed overnight pads for the trip. I wasn't super giddy at my first ultrasound just because I saw my first baby twice with a strong heart beat, but I can honestly say I feel so confident this time around because I passed the 9 week mark, this kid is growing on schedule and has all it's bits and parts it's suppose to have, so i'm claiming this pregnancy! I haven't even told my parents yet, I plan to today, but i'm finally excited to share the great news that their first grand baby is on the way and I believe I'm able to deliver on that promise. Truly blessed. 

For the women who are mother's at heart, have lost or trying, I know it's scary and exhausting but keep fighting and have faith. Allow yourself to feel all the feels; sad, angry, scared etc. but please share your story and your experience when you're ready so you can create a support system for yourself and others. This miscarriage topic is still so taboo and no one shares like it's just supposed to be a woman's secret. I didn't even know my mom had one until I shared with her I was going through my own. We have to talk about it.